I wasn't a smiler and was chided for it. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone." I love the baby pics though I think I might've labeled them differently. xo
I thought of all the adjectives and tried them on to describe myself. I had to make a final decision, but there are lots of other words I'd use to describe what I see when I look at those photos, but that could be another essay in and of itself. Thanks for reading, Nancy!
Oof. Your experience of unlearning family priorities sound similar to mine, Nan. That "we must look good to the world", squashed feelings, lost words cycle is a tough one to get your head around. I think I may be a little better at concealing my feelings. That might just be the Brit in me. Even so, I do have difficulty controlling a Angela Merkel-esque tendency to roll my eyes. Have you ever seen this Tracy Ullman sketch? This is me -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A
You certainly seem to have found your words beautifully, Nan. And now I'm curious what else you really want to write about but aren't.
WOW. Thanks for relating, and sharing it with me. It's so funny that you asked about the Angela Merkel/Tracy Ullman sketch. I had seen it when it was first made. I watched it several times, because it's absolutely hilarious. When I posted this story on Wednesday, a friend read it, and shared the video with me and I posted it in Notes here on Substack. It's me, too. I have so many stories to tell. And stories I'm withholding because they're not ready to come out yet, at least in a way that's clean and lacking resentment. And there are people still in my world, that I don't want to harm by sharing those words. They will come, in time. Or they won't. As a writer, I'm sure you know what I'm saying? All the best to you, and I'm so glad our paths have crossed! xoxo
That's so funny! I've sent that clip to so, so many people. It's perfect for any exasperating occasion.
Yes, I do get the concern about people being hurt or harmed by our sharing our stories. We do need to find balance and "deal with our own shit" before we share, to avoid that floodlighting thing we talked about in class.
But they're still our stories. We are allowed to tell them. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel ready to do so. But that concern for other people's feelings is the main reason I don't use my full name here.
I'm very glad to have met you too, Nan. Especially in this fabulous Substack space. Here's to figuring it out together. xx
Another great piece, Nan. Your baby photos are priceless and add yet another element to the essay. I think I've focused so much on watching what comes out of my mouth that I forget how my face is speaking. Zoom face is my new awareness!
Thanks, Paulette! I was a cute baby...Yes, we definitely need to watch our faces! I'm hoping writing it and sharing it will help me set subconscious awareness to rein it in! xoxo
First, I really love the name of your newsletter. Sooooo clever! Second, I have the same problem at work. It's not a good thing or a bad thing - but it IS honest. And at least you're being true to yourself. As long as you're kind, rock your RBF. How they interpret your face is their problem, not yours! Last, you were such a cute baby! 💖
Hey Sandra! Thanks for your comment, and for reading. My facial expressions are certainly honest, but I don't necessarily think people need to know everything I feel or think, especially when it's not kind...it doesn't work in the great big world I live in...trying to do better, every single day. And thank you for noticing my baby pix. I think I was pretty damn cute as well. And my 2,3,4, and 5 year old self was absolutely adorable. It wasn't until high school when things really started to fall apart...what with acne, braces, and a really bad perm or two! xoxo
As long as you're kind, it's not your responsibility to control what others think. And as you said, when you're not kind, you try to do better. That's all anyone can ask for. As for high school... we all had our moments! My most mortifying moment was when my cousin's boyfriend, who was a grade above me and very cute, yelled at the top of his lungs, "Damn, girl, you have some ashy elbows!". You better believe I've used lotion from head to toe from that very day!!! 🤣
So funny -- and what an interesting look at how you use your face and how your facial expressions reflect what you are thinking, whether you want them to or not. I think I work hard to keep a neutral face a lot of the time. I think a lot of the time I'm successful - I really think people don't see (or look) past it. But I know my face gives me away a lot, too. I have one of "those" faces that people always think looks less than thrilled. It takes a lot of work to smile, really. I've noticed in the last year that in work calls (troubled as they are to begin with), I'm often called out for having made a face when I really didn't do anything at all. Lol. (I sometimes think that's got some of their projection into it, too.)
I think I spend a lot of time presenting the neutral or falsely happy face....neutral, attentive, inviting, reassuring, empathetic.... whatever the situation calls for. That's the goal I guess. Really, it's all context. Your expressions betraying what you think seems to be only a problem if the expression is one that might be critical or negative or outraged. And in some contexts, expressions like that would be welcome and even encouraged. It's complicated, right? When we are the subject, however, masking what we think with false smiles becomes a totally different problem. I'm glad you are working beyond that.
Love the mime story. Love the strip of baby photos.
Thanks, Amy! "I sometimes think that's got some of their projection into it, too." You make so many good points here. For me, it's about changing the behavior that could be hurtful to people...I don't want to hurt people, or do I? That's another question. Certainly not something I want admit about myself, but it's definitely worth looking at. And if that answer is yes, then I have to do a deep dive and see what's underneath that! Yes, it's complicated. All of this self-examination is a process in which I'm encouraging my own goodness to show itself more fully, and to stop relying on negative voices, the critics to show me a way forward. That's so often a toxic path, instead of a wise and discerning one.
And, I was a very cute baby...I like being able to say that about myself!
Nan, having seen you only a few times on zoom, i have to say your facial expressions are memorable and made me want to know more about you. I hope you don't censor what seems to me a huge gift from Nature. Yes, to feign a happy face when you're not is something that I've worked to eliminate myself. But I actually enjoy being able to tell how you feel including those so-called judgmental feelings. I treasure a person who is an open book of emotions. Perhaps that's even more so due to my experience of being lied to with a poker face for years by an intimate partner.
I myself grew up conditioned in much the same way as you did. My culture is all about "saving face," putting up a good "face" for others to see. But I was so unhappy in my teenage years and my gripes were taken as weakness in my family. So I learned to remove all expressions from my face to stay safe. My classmates told me they couldn't figure me out.
Luckily, I've learned to reclaim my natural expressiveness over the years, while using my poker face selectively (gray rock) to handle narcissists.
Oh, Louisa! What a wonderful and generous comment. Thank you. And yes, I love the positive aspects of my big sincere reactions to things, but the censoring critic? I need to keep that to myself. It's harder than I thought it would be, but I'm grateful for the awareness. Life is work! And play, thank goodness! Keep smiling, my friend. But only when you mean it! xoxo
Yes, Nan! Your big sincere reactions are a gift!!! I love that you're sharing this gift with us! I agree that it can be a lot of work to modulate our emotional expression, because we live in a relational world. But thank goodness for play! Let's nurture our inner child's need for that as well. BTW, I forgot to say two things: your baby pictures are ADORABLE!!!! And I love Marcel Marceau. ❤️
Thanks, Prajna! I forgot that was your (former) first name! Yes, I would hear the same thing from people. I always hated having my picture taken, but it got really bad for me as I got older and bigger (fat). I became so self-conscious and ashamed, because of body issues...but that's another story! xoxo
This is something I never thought of much before, but I also became self conscious about my facial expressions during 2020, when everything was on zoom and my face was on the screen all the time. I had the opposite problem, people kept pointing out how blank my face was or they thought I was frozen because I was so still. I felt bad because I wanted to show people I was listening…now we have the “reactions,” which helps. As a neurodivergent person I sometimes wish I had a reaction card to hold up irl!
I hear that, Kate, about a reaction card. And yes, you are at the opposite end of "my" spectrum. Maybe we can work on it together, and gain a happy medium of facial vocabulary! xoxo
Perfect Nan, beautifully said! I can especially relate to the image conscious family—more concerned with how we appeared to the world than how we were completely falling apart in reality.
Thanks, Dede! Yes, it doesn't surprise me that you can relate. I think we must have come from similar family structures. It was the time, and the expectation to look as good as other people (make-believe) was so entrenched. I will reach out to you! I've been so busy. I'd love to Zoom!
I have always been 'emotional' in an emotional family and figured that was just how people were. Demonstrative! YAY! Until I entered the world of professional healthcare in my mid-thirties. I toned down a bit, realized I was never going to make it in corporate healthcare, but my expressive nature has made me a much better clinician. So there is that! Love your writing....so "expressive...."
Thanks, Nina! Yes, demonstrative. And I know that my positive facial expressions are an aspect of my personality that I treasure. It's the negative, judgmental aspect that I need to rein in a TON...because that's rooted in something that's really a message that I need to pay attention to more. The mirror stuff! xoxo
I learned from a very young age to control my expressions.. I used to let everything show on my face, until I got in trouble for it. I was taught it was “bad” to show emotions, unless they were pleasant emotions but even those had to be toned down. I smiled with my mouth open for a family photo once and was told I looked like a horse or monkey (can’t say which now). I never smiled with my mouth open again. The rare photos of me with an open mouth smile are usually candids.
I will say that I’ll use a lot of expressions with people I’m close to, my best friend can read my face and instantly know what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m not as good at hiding my emotions as I think I am 🤣
Thank you for sharing the things you’re going through and working on. I appreciate your thoughts and vulnerability. 😍😍
Thanks Mesa, for sharing about your relationship with your facial expressions. Many expectations placed on us when we're young. We act (or we don't) in response to those expectations. Some actions are positive, and some...we have to unravel and cease. I'm doing so much self-examination, and it's kind of wonderful to have these aspects of my nature come to the fore, so I can address them! I always appreciate your feedback, xoxo!
I wasn't a smiler and was chided for it. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone." I love the baby pics though I think I might've labeled them differently. xo
I thought of all the adjectives and tried them on to describe myself. I had to make a final decision, but there are lots of other words I'd use to describe what I see when I look at those photos, but that could be another essay in and of itself. Thanks for reading, Nancy!
Oof. Your experience of unlearning family priorities sound similar to mine, Nan. That "we must look good to the world", squashed feelings, lost words cycle is a tough one to get your head around. I think I may be a little better at concealing my feelings. That might just be the Brit in me. Even so, I do have difficulty controlling a Angela Merkel-esque tendency to roll my eyes. Have you ever seen this Tracy Ullman sketch? This is me -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A
You certainly seem to have found your words beautifully, Nan. And now I'm curious what else you really want to write about but aren't.
Here's the Note that I shared: https://substack.com/@nantepper/note/c-67822370
WOW. Thanks for relating, and sharing it with me. It's so funny that you asked about the Angela Merkel/Tracy Ullman sketch. I had seen it when it was first made. I watched it several times, because it's absolutely hilarious. When I posted this story on Wednesday, a friend read it, and shared the video with me and I posted it in Notes here on Substack. It's me, too. I have so many stories to tell. And stories I'm withholding because they're not ready to come out yet, at least in a way that's clean and lacking resentment. And there are people still in my world, that I don't want to harm by sharing those words. They will come, in time. Or they won't. As a writer, I'm sure you know what I'm saying? All the best to you, and I'm so glad our paths have crossed! xoxo
That's so funny! I've sent that clip to so, so many people. It's perfect for any exasperating occasion.
Yes, I do get the concern about people being hurt or harmed by our sharing our stories. We do need to find balance and "deal with our own shit" before we share, to avoid that floodlighting thing we talked about in class.
But they're still our stories. We are allowed to tell them. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel ready to do so. But that concern for other people's feelings is the main reason I don't use my full name here.
I'm very glad to have met you too, Nan. Especially in this fabulous Substack space. Here's to figuring it out together. xx
Another great piece, Nan. Your baby photos are priceless and add yet another element to the essay. I think I've focused so much on watching what comes out of my mouth that I forget how my face is speaking. Zoom face is my new awareness!
Thanks, Paulette! I was a cute baby...Yes, we definitely need to watch our faces! I'm hoping writing it and sharing it will help me set subconscious awareness to rein it in! xoxo
What a great piece! "My words went missing." I've experienced that as well. And Mime! So cool 😎
Thanks, Rhaine!
First, I really love the name of your newsletter. Sooooo clever! Second, I have the same problem at work. It's not a good thing or a bad thing - but it IS honest. And at least you're being true to yourself. As long as you're kind, rock your RBF. How they interpret your face is their problem, not yours! Last, you were such a cute baby! 💖
Hey Sandra! Thanks for your comment, and for reading. My facial expressions are certainly honest, but I don't necessarily think people need to know everything I feel or think, especially when it's not kind...it doesn't work in the great big world I live in...trying to do better, every single day. And thank you for noticing my baby pix. I think I was pretty damn cute as well. And my 2,3,4, and 5 year old self was absolutely adorable. It wasn't until high school when things really started to fall apart...what with acne, braces, and a really bad perm or two! xoxo
As long as you're kind, it's not your responsibility to control what others think. And as you said, when you're not kind, you try to do better. That's all anyone can ask for. As for high school... we all had our moments! My most mortifying moment was when my cousin's boyfriend, who was a grade above me and very cute, yelled at the top of his lungs, "Damn, girl, you have some ashy elbows!". You better believe I've used lotion from head to toe from that very day!!! 🤣
Nan—
Your facial expressions are the best—don’t ever change!
PS: poker at my house on Friday? JK
XO, K.
I'll lose big! And I don't want to change ALL of my facial expressions...just the ones that might hurt people and reflect badly on me. xoxo!
So funny -- and what an interesting look at how you use your face and how your facial expressions reflect what you are thinking, whether you want them to or not. I think I work hard to keep a neutral face a lot of the time. I think a lot of the time I'm successful - I really think people don't see (or look) past it. But I know my face gives me away a lot, too. I have one of "those" faces that people always think looks less than thrilled. It takes a lot of work to smile, really. I've noticed in the last year that in work calls (troubled as they are to begin with), I'm often called out for having made a face when I really didn't do anything at all. Lol. (I sometimes think that's got some of their projection into it, too.)
I think I spend a lot of time presenting the neutral or falsely happy face....neutral, attentive, inviting, reassuring, empathetic.... whatever the situation calls for. That's the goal I guess. Really, it's all context. Your expressions betraying what you think seems to be only a problem if the expression is one that might be critical or negative or outraged. And in some contexts, expressions like that would be welcome and even encouraged. It's complicated, right? When we are the subject, however, masking what we think with false smiles becomes a totally different problem. I'm glad you are working beyond that.
Love the mime story. Love the strip of baby photos.
Thanks, Amy! "I sometimes think that's got some of their projection into it, too." You make so many good points here. For me, it's about changing the behavior that could be hurtful to people...I don't want to hurt people, or do I? That's another question. Certainly not something I want admit about myself, but it's definitely worth looking at. And if that answer is yes, then I have to do a deep dive and see what's underneath that! Yes, it's complicated. All of this self-examination is a process in which I'm encouraging my own goodness to show itself more fully, and to stop relying on negative voices, the critics to show me a way forward. That's so often a toxic path, instead of a wise and discerning one.
And, I was a very cute baby...I like being able to say that about myself!
xoxo
Nan, having seen you only a few times on zoom, i have to say your facial expressions are memorable and made me want to know more about you. I hope you don't censor what seems to me a huge gift from Nature. Yes, to feign a happy face when you're not is something that I've worked to eliminate myself. But I actually enjoy being able to tell how you feel including those so-called judgmental feelings. I treasure a person who is an open book of emotions. Perhaps that's even more so due to my experience of being lied to with a poker face for years by an intimate partner.
I myself grew up conditioned in much the same way as you did. My culture is all about "saving face," putting up a good "face" for others to see. But I was so unhappy in my teenage years and my gripes were taken as weakness in my family. So I learned to remove all expressions from my face to stay safe. My classmates told me they couldn't figure me out.
Luckily, I've learned to reclaim my natural expressiveness over the years, while using my poker face selectively (gray rock) to handle narcissists.
Oh, Louisa! What a wonderful and generous comment. Thank you. And yes, I love the positive aspects of my big sincere reactions to things, but the censoring critic? I need to keep that to myself. It's harder than I thought it would be, but I'm grateful for the awareness. Life is work! And play, thank goodness! Keep smiling, my friend. But only when you mean it! xoxo
Yes, Nan! Your big sincere reactions are a gift!!! I love that you're sharing this gift with us! I agree that it can be a lot of work to modulate our emotional expression, because we live in a relational world. But thank goodness for play! Let's nurture our inner child's need for that as well. BTW, I forgot to say two things: your baby pictures are ADORABLE!!!! And I love Marcel Marceau. ❤️
Hi Nan, this well crafted piece on facial expressions brought me right back to those early days when I remember hating to get my picture taken
I didn’t want to fake a big smile if I wasn’t actually happy.
I had an uncle that called me, Nancy with the laughing face. He thought this would give me to smile. Nope I was stone cold.
I enjoyed this reflection. Thank you
Thanks, Prajna! I forgot that was your (former) first name! Yes, I would hear the same thing from people. I always hated having my picture taken, but it got really bad for me as I got older and bigger (fat). I became so self-conscious and ashamed, because of body issues...but that's another story! xoxo
I hear you and love you
And I love you!
I love that you have such an authentic smile!
This is something I never thought of much before, but I also became self conscious about my facial expressions during 2020, when everything was on zoom and my face was on the screen all the time. I had the opposite problem, people kept pointing out how blank my face was or they thought I was frozen because I was so still. I felt bad because I wanted to show people I was listening…now we have the “reactions,” which helps. As a neurodivergent person I sometimes wish I had a reaction card to hold up irl!
I hear that, Kate, about a reaction card. And yes, you are at the opposite end of "my" spectrum. Maybe we can work on it together, and gain a happy medium of facial vocabulary! xoxo
Perfect Nan, beautifully said! I can especially relate to the image conscious family—more concerned with how we appeared to the world than how we were completely falling apart in reality.
We need to talk!!!! Call when you have a moment?
Dede
Thanks, Dede! Yes, it doesn't surprise me that you can relate. I think we must have come from similar family structures. It was the time, and the expectation to look as good as other people (make-believe) was so entrenched. I will reach out to you! I've been so busy. I'd love to Zoom!
Yes!! We need to talk AND see each other ❤️
YES. When? Send me a DM here. xoxo
I have always been 'emotional' in an emotional family and figured that was just how people were. Demonstrative! YAY! Until I entered the world of professional healthcare in my mid-thirties. I toned down a bit, realized I was never going to make it in corporate healthcare, but my expressive nature has made me a much better clinician. So there is that! Love your writing....so "expressive...."
Thanks, Nina! Yes, demonstrative. And I know that my positive facial expressions are an aspect of my personality that I treasure. It's the negative, judgmental aspect that I need to rein in a TON...because that's rooted in something that's really a message that I need to pay attention to more. The mirror stuff! xoxo
I learned from a very young age to control my expressions.. I used to let everything show on my face, until I got in trouble for it. I was taught it was “bad” to show emotions, unless they were pleasant emotions but even those had to be toned down. I smiled with my mouth open for a family photo once and was told I looked like a horse or monkey (can’t say which now). I never smiled with my mouth open again. The rare photos of me with an open mouth smile are usually candids.
I will say that I’ll use a lot of expressions with people I’m close to, my best friend can read my face and instantly know what I’m thinking. Maybe I’m not as good at hiding my emotions as I think I am 🤣
Thank you for sharing the things you’re going through and working on. I appreciate your thoughts and vulnerability. 😍😍
Thanks Mesa, for sharing about your relationship with your facial expressions. Many expectations placed on us when we're young. We act (or we don't) in response to those expectations. Some actions are positive, and some...we have to unravel and cease. I'm doing so much self-examination, and it's kind of wonderful to have these aspects of my nature come to the fore, so I can address them! I always appreciate your feedback, xoxo!